the company i keep

A PERSONAL ANALYSIS OF FRIENDSHIP

i think i have some stuff around friendship.

that’s probably the simplest way to start this.

i recently started reading the company we keep by alex elle, a book about friendship, and i could tell almost immediately that this one was going to be a doozy for me. not necessarily because my friendships are bad. i have people in my life whom i love deeply, and i’ve experienced some really beautiful friendships over the years.

but friendship has also been complicated for me for a very long time. and i’m ready to understand why.

this goes way back.

my first friendships were actually with my 3 sisters. we grew up close but as life goes, eventually we separated into different schools, and i formed friendships outside of that little built-in circle. that’s when i met my grade school friends S. and B. they were already best friends, and i became sort of the third.

and when i look back over my life, i can see versions of that dynamic appearing more than once. sometimes i’ve been deeply connected to someone but still felt slightly outside of something. sometimes i’ve outrightly been ghosted out of a friendship. sometimes i’ve had friendships that felt incredibly significant to me but eventually became seasonal. sometimes i’ve watched a friend’s life expand—a relationship, marriage, family, new people, new priorities—and had to figure out where i fit in the expanded version.

and apparently, where do i fit? is a question that has followed me through friendship more than i realized.

i’ve noticed a few threads.

i’m still figuring out exactly what they mean, which is really the point of this whole exercise. but there are some things i already know.

i value depth.

i don’t need a million friends. honestly, i don’t even want a million friends. but when i let someone all the way in, that relationship means something to me.

i value permanence.

this one has been interesting to confront because friendship isn’t always a permanent category of relationship. i’ve had a lot of seasonal friendships and a few profound ones, and i think there have been times when i’ve wanted permanence from relationships that may have only been meant for a particular season.

i’m not entirely sure how i feel about that yet.

i need to know that i matter even when someone’s life expands beyond me.

whew.

this one i know for sure. if i love you and let you all the way in, i need to know that i still matter to you when your world gets bigger. that doesn’t mean i need to be your only friend. or your first call every time. or that our relationship can never change. but i think being considered matters deeply to me. and when i don’t feel considered, something in me notices.

so now i want to investigate myself.

not fix myself. not convince myself that everything i’ve ever felt about friendship was wrong. and also not build a case for why everybody who has ever disappointed me was wrong.

i want clarity. i want to understand what i actually need from friendship and whether those needs are reasonable. i want to know where i’ve confused closeness with permanence. where i’ve expected something without communicating it. where i’ve been a really good friend. where i haven’t. where i’ve held on too long. where i’ve pulled away too quickly. where something happening in the present has touched something much older in me. and maybe most importantly, i want to learn how to let friendships change without automatically interpreting change as loss.

i don’t know yet what i’ll find.

i’m giving myself some homework.

i’m starting with the company we keep, but i don’t want my exploration of friendship to come from one book or one person’s perspective. i’ll also be spending time with bible-based literature and scriptures about friendship—what makes someone a good friend, how love behaves, forgiveness, loyalty, expectations, communication, boundaries and what it means to be the kind of friend i would want to have.

and then i’ll do what i tend to do when something really gets my mind going: write.

i want to look honestly at the friendships i’ve had from childhood until now and see what patterns emerge. not just what did they do to me? but who have i been in my friendships?what do i bring into them? what scares me? what makes me feel secure? what makes me retreat? what do i expect from people once i’ve decided they’re my people? and what might i need to loosen my grip on?

why now?

because as you’ve gathered over the past 4 journal entries, i’m in this season of trying to become more of myself. living out loud can’t only mean wearing the clothes, saying the thing and allowing myself to take up more space. it also means being willing to look inward when something keeps showing up in my life and ask, what is this trying to teach me?

i don’t want to drag old friendship wounds, assumptions or expectations into the next decade of my life simply because i’ve never stopped long enough to examine them. and i don’t want introspection to make me harder either. quite the opposite.

i’d like to come out of this softer where softness is warranted. clearer where clarity is needed. more accepting of what friendship can realistically be. better at communicating what matters to me. more discerning about who gets close. and more appreciative of the people who have loved me well.

maybe i’ll discover that some things i thought were problems aren’t problems at all. maybe i’ll discover that some things i’ve always considered part of my personality could use a little work. probably both. either way, i’m curious.

so, this is the beginning of my friendship investigation. i’m reading. i’m praying. i’m thinking. i’m remembering. i’m probably going to be uncomfortable a few times. and, of course, i’m writing my way through it.

i’m not trying to collect more friends. i’m trying to understand friendship—and myself within it—a little better.

i’ll let you know what i find.