i’m about to be different

i recently announced to my friends and family that 'i'm about to be different'. and i’m realizing that what they heard and what i meant are two very different things.

if you know me as i am today…the refined, curated, still, calm Jendayi, then you'll understand that my family and friends are now kinda expecting me to be the loud, fun, shake the trees Jendayi. and while that's not exactly what i meant when i said ‘i’m about to be different’, there's an element to it that is true.

i have decided that i'm going to live out loud. meaning that i'm going to stop shrinking myself for the comfort of others and instead say and do the things that naturally come to me.

7.18.25 - when i first shared this idea publicly.

i say maybe 10% of what i think—which is probably a safety for me—and i think through a lot of the things i do. which, again, isn’t a bad thing. but i’m now well into my 40s and looking forward to living a little bolder.

people who know me would probably describe me as laid-back, cool, introverted, sympathetic and thoughtful. i’m not interested in changing the core of who i am. i’m interested in heightening the more courageous parts of my personality. i’ve already started putting that into practice in ways that matter—speaking up more, taking up more space, saying the thing instead of only thinking it.

but interestingly, i’m also looking forward to threading that needle through something much more surface level: my closet.

modesty doesn’t require me to disappear.

when it comes to clothes, i don’t think i’ve shown the damage i can do. and it still feels so cringe for me to say that out loud, but i know how to dress. i love to dress. and i’ve realized that even there, i have a tendency to suppress “the baddie” in me.

my natural inclination when getting dressed is often to cover up for the sake of other people’s comfort.

yep.

that’s actually my natural thought.

maybe part of that comes from my desire to be modest. i’m very intentional about dressing modestly (1 Tim. 2:9, 10), and that’s not something i’m interested in changing. but within that, i’ve come to realize that there have been times when i’m not simply choosing modesty. i’m purposefully choosing to shrink. and those aren’t the same thing.

i know that because when i’m at home with my husband, that shrinking doesn’t exist. i’m not thinking about whether my waist looks too snatched. i’m not worried about whether my shape is too noticeable. i’m not trying to soften or disguise parts of myself that i actually really love. i’m just comfortable being in my body. and i want to figure out how to carry some of that same freedom into the outside world—while still being completely aligned with my values. not showing everything. not dressing for attention. not becoming someone i’m not. just no longer believing that modesty requires me to disappear.

and what’s great about challenging myself to do this now is that i’ve never felt better in my body. i’ve been consistently exercising for over a year—thank you, pilates and weight training—and my body looks great. i still have that pooch that plagues a lot of us in our 40s, but overall, i’m genuinely happy with where my body is. i like my shape. i like my strength. i like what i see.

so with that, i’m ready to be less afraid to let myself be seen.

getting dressed like i mean it.

in my mind, once my new floor to ceiling wardrobe is installed, i'll be ready. i'm marking it as my fresh start. the plan is to go through my closet and be really intentional about curating a wardrobe that i absolutely love. i've been really intentional about buying quality pieces for a while now, so i have what i think is a wardrobe that makes me feel amazing. but my current closet is too crowded for me to see anything. so the plan is to move all the pieces that i absolutely LOVE into my new wardrobe, and purge the items that no longer feel like me or belong in this new era i'm moving into. i want to be absolutely clear about what silouettes work well on me, which color palettes compliment my skin color, which category of clothes i gravitate to (blazers, jeans, dresses, shorts, etc.), what i need to stop buying and what's missing.

and then, i'm going to get dressed every day. well, to a measure. i workout 4 days a week so i'm going to get dressed when it allows for that. but even my athletic wear... i'm going to PUT IT TOGETHER and not be shy about how amazing i look in it. you hear me?!

so that's the goal. that's where i'm starting with this gentle strength era that i'm moving into, and i know there's going to be so much more that comes out of it.

so welcome to the new version of me - the different me.

and for repetition sake, here’s a little something i came up with back in June that i keep in my notes.

“this season is not about becoming louder. it’s about becoming more visible. stop trying to be the easiest person in the room and start becoming the most authentic version of myself—without sacrificing the gentle spirit i’ve worked so hard to cultivate. that combination is rare, and it’s worth protecting.

my peace no longer depends on keeping everyone else comfortable. my peace comes from knowing i handled my truth with love.”

live beautifully. live boldly. live out loud.